The UK prepares for years of Top Gear without cars as Boris Johnson (admitted cocaine fiend) remains in the lead at the polls.

Little has changed despite an actual leadership move by Rory “Rockstar” Stewart as 7 other Tory candidates for PM have admitted to using marijuana and class A’s, in what is likely an attempt to appear mammalian. The Tory’s realization, that everyone loves taking drugs, could be seen as a breakthrough for the country should the candidate acknowledge anyone outside of No. 10 following the election.

It is generally felt that problems such as “thinking about the children” could be remedied should Sajid Javid, for example, understand that legalization of intoxicants is key to any maturing nation state.

Coincidentally, Jeremy Clarkson also made an appearance in the Metro for an angry tirade after a road closure due street racing. Unable to use his vehicle, which thinks for him, he took to Twitter. The police later chastized him for being generally annoying.

Nice-woman-from-Google Jacquelline Fuller gives the Evening Standard an interview on the company’s laudable charitable endeavors, but something else caught my eye tucked in between the optimistic expansion.

Don’t worry – your children or spouse may all end up in someone’s masturbation/blackmail folder one day, their faces superimposed on pornographic bodies watched through 3d goggles hooked up to a fuckbot – but we didn’t want it that way.

The last week of May, 2019 gives us a glimpse into the world of the working.

Man’s Life an Onion Article

“There’s just so many people […] I spend a lot of time at home bored. I make sure I go out for walks but most of the time I don’t leave the house.”

A 21st Century workforce

The HMS HMP sails in to declare unemployment numbers are naturally falling in the UK. Free sweatpants.

Astronaut’s children decide to give up and stay on Earth.

I am my own grandpa, say the children of astronaut Tim Peake, refusing to leave their planet. Perhaps a spiritual revolution here first…? My advice is to start a band such as: “Spacedad and the Rent Generation”.

A student attracts horny, unwanted men with her glowing bracelet invention, triggering swarms of would-be feminists to descend upon the area.

As the UK reels in “Brexit” confusion, the public is treated to Metro’s hard hitting scoops on Gove, et al.

In a brilliant move to rid themselves of bureaucratic entanglements, the UK has decided to no longer count dissenting votes in the upcoming EU elections by ignoring all of the British in Europe.

Nigel Farage celebrates winning the Bluebell ribbon of the year from his bus as protesters reach out to him with their love of milkshakes. No one is angry.

Chris from Essex remains defiant about the option to fail, everywhere:

“[We need to escape, not to remain entwined for years. We want Brexit in March even without a deal. We will survive and prosper. The globe will be in a recession soon so it will be the same for all countries.]”