The Dystopian

It is likely this image of Boris Johnson featured in the Evening Standard stooped and shuffling around the country channeling the tantric energy of a hunchback, that secured him last night’s victory in the polls.

Clearly, hobbling into pastoral regions and harassing milkmen claimed the “chuntering imbecile” sympathy vote from those beyond the City’s limits and many of those within, leaving the Tories five more years to target and stunt the growth of puppies and children of all ages.

On the 6th day of Christmas

“My true love said to me, ‘put down the bloody phone and delete that recording’.”

Fresh from the bottom of someone’s shoe (24 Nov): Prime Minister Boris Johnson vows to enrich the lives of property owners and magnates alike. It can only be welcomed as the icing on the “fuck you” cake for London’s homeless this Christmas season as they gather like fleas around the dinner table at Crisis For Christmas.

Oh, and he’s going to throw in a couple of hospitals. Apologies on the delay, the Monopoly board didn’t come with those cards.

[Bonus Bojo photo, courtesy of the Guardian online:]

Attention, plebeains

Diary, January 2020:
After limbering up with Peloton for Complacency Week I’m headed off to my Counter Terrorism lessons, ending with a tutorial on how to spend our money appropriately should we (when we!!) win the state Lottery. Day planner full ; totally ensconced in happiness 🙂

Don’t worry if you aren’t seen, there’s more of us than ever. Live Strong!

Deliveries

Perhaps Webster’s dictionary will pick up on this new terminology and there will be a whole generation of “ocean plastic” harvesters and “conflict-free” tin miners embraced by politicians everywhere as a boon to the economy. Use it to make anything plastic or tinny! Guilt free, just ask Vodaphone.

In other news the “Brown Army” , as UPS’s legion of drivers and handlers are called, will likely in future handle all hostage crises internally rather than phoning the police so as not to be shot dead.

Methods for de-escalation & diversion could include packaging-peanut grenades or non-lethal bean bags filled with old “We have been trying to reach you…” notices.

Do not like

November 22nd’s Evening Standard carries a bullet point with the following quotation:

“[a] majority of 73 percent say ‘they do not like him’,” regarding Mr. Corbyn, who is currently jockeying for the lead in the campaign for Prime Minister. That leaves a quarter of the population to decide if there’s anything of value in his being whatsoever.

His rival, old Etonian Boris Johnson, is focusing more on the “division” of the people.

The Beast, and marks of

Horrible and ugly, fat and bent, the beings of the future, close to human, holding Logically Evil devices dressed in the skins of magicians

Kent

Desertion

President Xi threatens to snort more Tiger cock if Hong Kong’s freedom loving crowds do not disperse. Other thoughts include torturing the protesters first by making them read (and fully accept into their hearts) editions of Xinhua.

President Trump’s Beatlemania assures us that no more murder will occur in the Middle East.

viruses

Roderick and Chris have a dispute. I can’t help but notice the similarities in, say, limp dickedness

Sadder than the passing of Pizza Express is the death of your relationship due to Date Night occurring within its confines

Want to be

in dad’s army…on Dunkirk….

intermittent

Wall of Garbage

Next up, praying at an ATM

Lambs / slaughter

Jeremy Corbyn yesterday confused an actual event, Brexit and the apocalypse, with a metaphor.

Boris and Buster in London

The Tory solution to Theresa May was Boris Johnson. The Tory solution to our day to day struggle of conservatively waking up, working under pressure, and dealing with a system we do not want is: more pressure, a time limit, and complication of matters so to reap what others sow.

(So long to that and allelujiah.)

A serious note from the authorities…

… life, don’t enjoy it.

Resilience + Breath of fresh air 13/08/2019

sugar, spice, or everything nice

the Green man

“Why did the chicken cross the road? “
To avoid the drug dealers bribing young children with its fried and battered flesh.

Man and beast

…which is fine, but neither the Metro or The Guardian have yet to make the link between the high rate of seagull activity and the amount of missing persons this year

the dogs’ b#$*@cks

stop reading the metro

New Port-side

The new challenge of the Home Office: stopping refugees & migrants from climbing into their own boats.

intelligent time systems

Perhaps PM Johnson could pull a Dirk Gently with Mr. Francois de Bugy… and then get the hell out of there.

chasing tails

From the internet (BBC): Facebook intends to scan brains with AI to make “fully non-invasive” wearable devices that can read your thoughts and then output words.

Miraculously, the new technology makes use of “muscle twitching” and “eye movement”, natural to anyone using Facebook technology.

Nature / Nurture

Priorities … priorities

Bits ‘n’ Bobs

/ Conservative: to lack in spirit

/ Expectation of privacy after committing crimes against humanity

/ Give the prison guard a £500 bottle of wine

Breath of fresh air, 16/7/19

Arms race

Professional nomenclature

Logic, of the devil

The only way to ruin God’s chosen beverage. Capitalism.

Hi-yo, Oil!

Gallantly creating opportunity for more “problematic” situations, it is the U.S. leading another “coalition”.

Neighbours

Found in the folder from Metro (UK) 16 June, 2019

The Telegraph’s version is illuminating in its own way: “Child spies should be recruited more often by MI5 and police, security minister says“. Clearly, these children are adults. The case continues.

Flash the memory

Still, hope…

Ownership

MP Tugendhat

An unfortunate day for names in the news. MP Tugendhat* has asked that all dirty laundry be stashed and a formal inquiry by Cmssr. Dick be opened after a leak of diplomatic memos concerning the White House caused uproar. Sir Kim’s analysis in Washington described the White House as “dysfunctional” and “inept” and in no way likely to change. He remains the ambassador and an astute observer. He has also “pulled out” of dinner plans at the W.H.

President Trump (dick head) opted to spew forth vitriol on Twitter calling the U.K. ambassador an “idiot” and denouncing him as “not liked”, thus absolved of any future liaisons.

* Actual man. Conservative (Tornbridge & Malling): The Guardian, of course, could have asked for comments from anyone named anything else requesting action from any other public servant but the poetry is already in motion.

Urbane

Homelessness: Instant Death. The new fantasy novel by Theresa May. Introduction by Rupert Murdoch.

or

Maybe the French had the right idea with banlieues. But you still can’t breathe.

Lessons learned

Rosy Lea

The ebullient spirit of the British gentry spurs on an exciting new London trend: overpriced tea!

“Loose leaf. Single estate. Fine terroir and good years. Yep, all the ways we describe wine now apply to the beverage of the moment … ”

…yet on these same pages where their countrymen comment on a world in turmoil, the advertising department of the Evening Standard, consciously or subconsciously, cries out for a release from the trance-like grip of their owners. Calling out to me–to us, for something else. Classic, or self Discovery? When does one become the joke– I dare say–indubitably old chap… that tonight when they go to print they will be searching themselves with these same questions…

ps. Happy Independence Day everybody, drink beer

corbynfrail.txt

Corbyn misunderstands comment on “frailty”, assumes failure physical rather than spiritual

Leeds

Leeds was introduced to electricity in the mid 1880’s, facilitating the rise of popular establishments like the cinema. These were largely implemented to keep grown men from crawling around on the floor, grabbing children’s ankles.

Alright, mate?

Night versus Day

The contrast between the Metro and Evening Standard’s stories on July 1st highlight several government policy failures

Special Constable Joseph Kaz solves knife crime & revenue issue for entire nation on live television for free leads to…
Shadow-bound pigfuckers in the upper echelon of the bureaucracy force resignation, Kaz “disgusted”.

Boris Johnson expecting to be hired as a play-actor of public service leads to…
Johnson refuses to stop toeing the line. won’t leave the television.

Not Hungry

Today a man was seen yelling at a Metro worker in front of the tube, hurling papers across the pavement. After things had calmed down I asked the worker about the altercation and his reply was simply, “This is the society we live in.” It was a pretty vague response, but after reading Humpty Dumpty Jr.’s commentary on the question of his own naked mud wrestling, I felt that I fully understood both of them. As tempted as we are, still — don’t kill the messenger.

Synergy

1.2 billion pounds have been allocated by the energy suppliers. In a daring move by the energy suppliers, they have raised the cost of the energy. They have concluded this is best for the consumer. Long live the energy suppliers.

Modern man

Standards

.bog

Unity

This morning’s commuter paper displays the beautiful dynamic between journalist and world leader
(death, incarceration).

The front page of the Metro features Boris Johnson (UK) denying anything to do with ( common to genus Boris ) the detention of a British citizen in Iran for spying.

Inside, President Donald Trump (U.S.) brings heavy retardation to the forefront, reportedly exclaiming “Fake news media!” at his re-election rally as supporters chanted their mantra “CNN sucks!”; and finally the crown prince of Saudi Arabia is so far not being investigated for anything. Putin remains silent.

Editor’s note:
Should you choose to opt out of the trade of Energy, weapons systems, and vast sums of money for personal benefit, please allow 10 working days for your request to be processed in either Australia or Belgium. Don’t forget to pray, everybody!

Desire

The dangers of treating the contestants of the hit show Love Island like actual people has become apparent to campaigners of propriety. This can only be of further use to the producers of the upcoming ITV reality show “Sodom and Gomorrah”, where contestants take part in actual sodoming and gomorrahing until attacked by demons of their own making.

Opinions

Empty Vessels

Boris Johnson (Tory, empty vessel) seems ever present in the national headlines, but in planning for his future as possible PM yesterday was conspicuously absent in the Channel 4 debates. Public debates are generally seen as a display of honesty, integrity and dedication for politicians, but as rival Stewart bravely pointed out, the Eton boys do have flaws. (It is likely that Johnson thought he could send an aid.)

Your Nectar card would love to know why you’re not visiting your friends.

Penetration

“Did you take cocaine” is the question of the day for Etonian Boris Johnson, in lieu of the likely, “Are you going to go to jail” at his press conference today but — never fear — the Metro hits home with its scintillating coverage on love in the 21st century. Much like 21st century work, banned behaviour includes public masturbating and unsafe sex, and is of course mentioned as much as possible. “Love Island” viewers explore romantic themes such as “vanity” and “coveting” amid narcissistic personality disorders and possible psychopathy. An island nation, indeed!