Uncategorized – The Dystopian

Deliveries

Perhaps Webster’s dictionary will pick up on this new terminology and there will be a whole generation of “ocean plastic” harvesters and “conflict-free” tin miners embraced by politicians everywhere as a boon to the economy. Use it to make anything plastic or tinny! Guilt free, just ask Vodaphone.

In other news the “Brown Army” , as UPS’s legion of drivers and handlers are called, will likely in future handle all hostage crises internally rather than phoning the police so as not to be shot dead.

Methods for de-escalation & diversion could include packaging-peanut grenades or non-lethal bean bags filled with old “We have been trying to reach you…” notices.

Do not like

November 22nd’s Evening Standard carries a bullet point with the following quotation:

“[a] majority of 73 percent say ‘they do not like him’,” regarding Mr. Corbyn, who is currently jockeying for the lead in the campaign for Prime Minister. That leaves a quarter of the population to decide if there’s anything of value in his being whatsoever.

His rival, old Etonian Boris Johnson, is focusing more on the “division” of the people.

The Beast, and marks of

Horrible and ugly, fat and bent, the beings of the future, close to human, holding Logically Evil devices dressed in the skins of magicians

Kent

Desertion

President Xi threatens to snort more Tiger cock if Hong Kong’s freedom loving crowds do not disperse. Other thoughts include torturing the protesters first by making them read (and fully accept into their hearts) editions of Xinhua.

President Trump’s Beatlemania assures us that no more murder will occur in the Middle East.

viruses

Roderick and Chris have a dispute. I can’t help but notice the similarities in, say, limp dickedness

Sadder than the passing of Pizza Express is the death of your relationship due to Date Night occurring within its confines

Breath of fresh air, 16/7/19

Arms race

Logic, of the devil

The only way to ruin God’s chosen beverage. Capitalism.

Moment of Clarity

The UK prepares for years of Top Gear without cars as Boris Johnson (admitted cocaine fiend) remains in the lead at the polls.

Little has changed despite an actual leadership move by Rory “Rockstar” Stewart as 7 other Tory candidates for PM have admitted to using marijuana and class A’s, in what is likely an attempt to appear mammalian. The Tory’s realization, that everyone loves taking drugs, could be seen as a breakthrough for the country should the candidate acknowledge anyone outside of No. 10 following the election.

It is generally felt that problems such as “thinking about the children” could be remedied should Sajid Javid, for example, understand that legalization of intoxicants is key to any maturing nation state.

Coincidentally, Jeremy Clarkson also made an appearance in the Metro for an angry tirade after a road closure due street racing. Unable to use his vehicle, which thinks for him, he took to Twitter. The police later chastized him for being generally annoying.

A Standard Evening

Nice-woman-from-Google Jacquelline Fuller gives the Evening Standard an interview on the company’s laudable charitable endeavors, but something else caught my eye tucked in between the optimistic expansion.

Don’t worry – your children or spouse may all end up in someone’s masturbation/blackmail folder one day, their faces superimposed on pornographic bodies watched through 3d goggles hooked up to a fuckbot – but we didn’t want it that way.

Employment in Surrealism

The last week of May, 2019 gives us a glimpse into the world of the working.

Man’s Life an Onion Article

“There’s just so many people […] I spend a lot of time at home bored. I make sure I go out for walks but most of the time I don’t leave the house.”

A 21st Century workforce

The HMS HMP sails in to declare unemployment numbers are naturally falling in the UK. Free sweatpants.

Astronaut’s children decide to give up and stay on Earth.

I am my own grandpa, say the children of astronaut Tim Peake, refusing to leave their planet. Perhaps a spiritual revolution here first…? My advice is to start a band such as: “Spacedad and the Rent Generation”.

Woman vows to become involuntarily celibate

A student attracts horny, unwanted men with her glowing bracelet invention, triggering swarms of would-be feminists to descend upon the area.

Brexit Mania

As the UK reels in “Brexit” confusion, the public is treated to Metro’s hard hitting scoops on Gove, et al.

In a brilliant move to rid themselves of bureaucratic entanglements, the UK has decided to no longer count dissenting votes in the upcoming EU elections by ignoring all of the British in Europe.

Nigel Farage celebrates winning the Bluebell ribbon of the year from his bus as protesters reach out to him with their love of milkshakes. No one is angry.

Chris, Essex

Chris from Essex remains defiant about the option to fail, everywhere:

“[We need to escape, not to remain entwined for years. We want Brexit in March even without a deal. We will survive and prosper. The globe will be in a recession soon so it will be the same for all countries.]”